We need each other.
Lately I have been watching space exploration-themed films and for me, the most jarring aspect of space is the isolation. Maybe it's my extroverted nature talking, but the loneliness of floating around in the vast darkness of outer space seems like a nightmare.
Perhaps I am in the minority in this view. As a result of COVID-19, we adjusted to isolation. Our cultural norms now make light of canceling plans at the last minute in favour of staying home on the sofa with a screening service and food delivery. Ghosting is a thing.
Unfortunately the byproducts of increased isolation include loneliness, which is a well-documented threat to our health, and a reduced ability to navigate interpersonal challenges. We are overwhelmed by the prospect of a conflict, and quickly unmoored by our differences. In the quest to escape discomfort, we simply avoid difficult conversations, or denigrate the people with whom we disagree. Our relationships become shallow, immature, and transactional.
We are not served by avoiding the hard work of human relationships. Avoidance is not a strategy. Conflict is inevitable, and we need to be able to manage it if we want to live in society with others (even a new society on the planet Mars!)
The alternative - pure isolation - is terrifying.
Vision Trumps Ego
The best antidote for ego is shared vision.
This week I had the honour of leading a client workplace culture workshop. What emerged from the discussion of "how to live out our culture" was the idea that if coworkers are aligned in purpose, they can do the hard work of maintaining their ideal culture.
Things like sacrificing one's personal comfort to have the hard conversations. Stepping in to help when the work is not strictly in your job description. Widening your perspective to account for the unique individuality of others in your workplace rather than focusing only on your work, your world, and your needs.
When an organization is aligned across the board about why it exists, who it serves and why it matters, there is less room for "me me me" perspectives or behaviours.
That does not mean that individuals' well-being and professional satisfaction should be steamrolled in the name of the organization's mandate. There is an important balance for leadership to strike.
I guess this is a longwinded way of saying "there is no 'i' in team". 🫣
The Worm in the Lollipop: Thoughts on Workplace Culture
What is the culture of your workplace? What behaviours are implicitly understood as "the way we treat each other"? Are they aligned with your values? Who sets the example?
My son has an on-again, off-again passion for Pokemon cards. He is presently a serious Pokemon card game player, making a weekly pilgrimage to play in a Pokemon league nearby.
I have noticed that this league has a culture of kindness and generosity. In particular, the adults who play the game are unfailingly kind to the younger players, often sharing strategy tips, comparing cards, and sometimes even giving them the tools they need to compete from their own collections.
Adults being kind to kids is not headline news, or it shouldn't be. What is interesting is how the younger players implicitly understand that kindness and generosity are the "way we behave" in this place, based on the example and conduct of the adults. So the kids often give each other advice or encouragement during matches. They celebrate each other's wins, even when those wins come at their own expense. In my son's case, he shared a spare card deck with a newer player so that the player would have a better chance of winning his very first game in the league and would know how to build his own card deck later on.
There is no poster on the wall with a set of rules or a code of conduct that says "play nice and be kind". It's just in the air - the "way we treat each other", borne out in small gestures and consistent behaviour, week after week. If someone was rude or unfair, it would stick out.
Ultimately, workplace culture is about making undesirable behaviour look out of place. In my workshops, I often describe it as the worm in the lollipop, with reference to a touristic novelty item you can buy in warmer climates. Given the image, I should probably find another analogy.
Dishwashers and Clouds: Perspectives on Conflict
Come with me on a journey from household conflict to a Joni Mitchell song.
Some of you will have visceral reactions to the photo below. Some will wonder what I’m talking about. The point is that there are many different ways to load a dishwasher.
In lawsuits there are many ways to present a case, and a few ways to win. Some cases are doomed on their facts and some on the law. Some cases are strong on both. Regardless, experienced lawyers know that nothing is ever totally certain.
Maybe your excellent facts can be interpreted differently, or maybe there’s a gap in the narrative that could plant a seed of doubt in the trier of fact’s mind. Maybe your authorities don’t land as well with someone who hasn’t lived with the case for three years. Or maybe the law changed between the claim issue date and now.
Enter mediation.
Mediators bring a perspective that can help you see things from another point of view. Whether it’s a fresh take or the impartial communication of the other side’s argument, the mediator can help you see both sides of your case, which will always help you assess your options.
These Joni Mitchell lyrics come to mind:
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.
Certainty is the surest path to surprise. Come have your assumptions tested in mediation, and see what else is possible for your case!
Preparing to Receive Feedback
There is much ado about AI and the opportunities and threats it presents. One critical component of machine learning is the way that AI learns from feedback. It gets smarter every time we engage with it.
Humans also have an opportunity to learn from feedback, but often the process of seeking and receiving it leaves much to be desired. We are still human, after all, with feelings and biases and differing levels of comfort with difficult conversations. Nevertheless, I truly believe that feedback has a better chance of conveying useful information, and being received as such, if we apply some thought to it in advance. I will present a series of blog posts about feedback based on information I have gleaned on the topic to help make feedback more than another “F-word”.
In this post, I will focus on how to prepare yourself to receive feedback.
It’s important to know yourself and your likely reactions before you ask for feedback. This can help you manage your responses in the moment so that you can absorb as much information as possible. Preparation can also help you avoid destructive rumination afterwards because it puts what you have heard, and how you feel about it, in perspective.
Think of a time when you received feedback, either positive or negative. What were your physical and emotional reactions? Are these reactions generally consistent whenever you receive feedback, or a particular type of feedback? Notice any patterns, as these can help you better understand how you are feeling when you might otherwise feel overwhelmed or tuned out. Many of these habits may be subconscious.
For example:
Does your mind filter out feedback you do not wish to hear and focus only on what you do wish to hear? Or single out the one negative point in an otherwise positive review?
Does your pulse start racing when you receive constructive criticism?
Do you shut down at the slightest hint of negative feedback and stop hearing what is being said?
Do you recoil at the suggestion that you might be able to improve? Or conversely, abandon your skills and talents immediately?
Do you fully accept negative feedback and berate yourself over your imperfections?
Does your mind react defensively to any hint of criticism? Do you attack (internally) the feedback-giver to discredit their comments?
How does positive feedback land with you? How long do you let it sit in your consciousness? Are you suspicious of it, fearing the “crap sandwich”?
If you know you might get upset in the moment, you need to prepare yourself to avoid having an emotional reaction during the conversation because crying during a feedback conversation is a great way to never have another one with that person.
Think now about when you like to receive feedback:
Do you prefer it to be closely connected in time to the work or event in question?
Do you appreciate having advance notice of these conversations?
Would you prefer to have feedback delivered to you in written form, in advance of a discussion?
Do you want public or private praise for a job well done?
In your deepest heart of hearts, do you actually want to hear about things that could improve, or are you just hoping for affirmation?
Knowing why you are seeking feedback and what you truly hope to gain is important. If you tell someone you just want them to affirm your effort, that is at least honest. Having a specific question for the person you are asking for feedback is also helpful, as is seeking feedback on a timely basis. For example, “how have I been performing this year?” is a vague question which will get a vague answer. Try instead “what were two things about the report I drafted that you appreciated? What were two things I can do better next time?” Or “Did the ____ you asked me to prepare do the job you had intended? Was it useful? How could it have been more useful?” This is an easier question for a feedback-giver to answer, as it is not personal but rather speaks to how your efforts did or did not meet the mark. Remember too that looking backwards can yield a lot of self-blame and hopelessness. Looking forward, asking how something can be even better the next time, gives the other person a way to offer suggestions that are less about critiquing your performance and more about setting you up for success.
At the end of the day, ask for feedback only if you truly want it. It takes time and effort for people to provide feedback to you, and they want to know that their efforts are appreciated.
Calculating Risk: A Parking Parable
I have an almost genetic aversion to paying for parking. When I can't escape it, the inevitable question arises: pay 75 cents for the minimum time period or take a chance that I can run my errand and be back before anyone notices I haven't paid?* If I misjudge, the ticket might cost me about $30.
75 cents is less than $30. That's basic math. It makes sense to pay the minimum rather than risk being ticketed for the maximum. Right?
Wrong, apparently.
I often encounter litigants who are performing a similar calculation: I could settle now for this amount, or go to trial and be vindicated** Why pay 75 cents when you can pay 0? The risk of losing at trial (a.k.a. getting a $30 ticket) is summarily dismissed.
This is bad litigation math. The choice is not 75 cents or 0 cents. It's usually 75 cents or $30.
In the parking analogy, if I run off without paying, believing that I am faster than the average bear, or more efficient, or that all will go smoothly with my errand, or that there is no parking enforcement officer nearby, that is just a bunch of hope masquerading as knowledge. I have no objective certainty that the chances of getting a ticket are lower for me than for anyone else in this situation. I'm gambling.
Similarly, if a litigant does not have a full appreciation of the relevant risk factors, their assessment of the chances of being vindicated** is likely based more on hope than data.
On the other hand, if I have just seen the parking enforcement officer leave, or I see that the place I am visiting is empty, which means I will be able to complete my errand faster, these are concrete data points that might inform my decision not to pay the 75 cents.* It's a more calculated risk than one built on self-assurance and wishful thinking.
If you are going to trial on facts that are not great, with no assurance that the law is squarely in your favour, and your witnesses are not yet lined up, you simply do not have the data to support your confidence in total vindication**.
If you've thoroughly canvassed all the risk factors, however, that's a different story. I have no problem with parties telling me that the deal on the table is worse than what they might obtain in court, as long as it is a meaningfully-considered conclusion. In my view, vague assertions of confidence, wishful thinking, and inflated expectations are not enough.
Sometimes you have to pay to play.
* the right thing is to pay for parking when required and nothing in this post should be construed as advice to evade parking bylaws
** whatever that means
Relationships Matter
Work relationships matter most when things are not "business as usual." When everyone does what they're supposed to do, things run smoothly, like a river in its banks.
It's when things go "off-book" that the trouble begins. Trouble can look like differential treatment, or unexpected missteps, or last-minute requests. That's when you need backup, like a river has a floodplain or levee.
In a work context, the backup system starts with healthy communication. Talking through shifts in workflow or unexpected events ensures that the affected people are updated and aware of, or contributing to, the decision-making taking place.
The next safety measure is relationship. If people don't know what is going on, but they know and trust those in charge, it creates reassurance. The steps being taken might not be clear but there is confidence that they are fair, and that there will be an opportunity at another time to discuss the decisions taken.
Nothing goes according to plan all the time. Bolster your work environment by building relationships and developing clear and consistent communication channels.
Holiday Greetings
Schools just let out for the break, I'm still not done everything, and the cute holiday cards I was going to send you with a carefully crafted bespoke message are still sitting blank in their boxes. Not happening. Instead, please accept this open letter as my season's greeting to you.
When my son was in preschool, his teacher used to say "stop, look and listen" as a cue to the students to quiet down and pay attention. If you have an opportunity to step away from work in the coming days, I invite you to consider this sentence as a scaffold for rest.
STOP working for a minute and give yourself a break. Stop worrying, planning, or wishing circumstances were different.
LOOK away from your screens. Look outside. Look for the silver lining. Look inward, to find yourself again.
LISTEN to yourself. Listen to the birds, to the subway trains, to the silence. Tune out the auditory clutter for a while. Not every moment needs a podcast or a news update.
If you can, I hope you will take a real break this month. I hope you will give yourself permission to stop, look and listen. Here's to 2022, and to you.
De-Escalation of Conflict
Right now, everyone is on edge. Increased aggression and belligerence are on display at every turn. People who deal with people (that's almost all of us) need help navigating these encounters.
I recently gave a workshop on conflict de-escalation for a client. My favourite tip is this: stop arguing your point when the other person becomes inflamed. Once the conflict has escalated to become an emotional, rather than a rational, encounter, your goal is to de-escalate the conflict. That's it. It's not to win the point, or prove the justice of your cause, or shame the other person for their reaction. It's just to take the temperature down.
How can you do this? Try changing your mindset from "what kind of person would react this way?" to "this person is having a natural response to something that has really bothered them."
If you can see the anger as justified, even if you do not agree that it is, you can start to speak to the person in a way that makes them feel understood. In mental wellness circles, this is called emotional validation.
Things you can say to try to de-escalate: "I can see this really makes you upset", "I get why you're angry - [fill in reason]", "you don't want to ___, I understand", "These rules are frustrating", etc.
Once people are calmer, then you can go into the expectations and consequences for the situation. But trying to reason through an emotional outburst is like singing an aria during a fire drill. It may sound good, but no one is listening.
(article published on LinkedIn on September 10, 2021).
How Are you Going to Spend your Energy?
Your energy is finite, the pandemic has made that very clear. The question to answer (posed once in a milk commercial, if I remember correctly), is how are you going to spend that energy?
September offers something of a fresh start (https://www.wsj.com/articles/september-is-the-real-new-year-1473875636). It is a good time to consider what matters most to you. Before you launch back into life as it once was for the sake of feeling normal, give yourself the space to think about where your energy is best used. When you are clear about your values and priorities, you can set up boundaries to protect your energy.
As coach Gary Wood likes to ask, "what gets your 'yes'?" Remember that every "yes" has a corresponding "no" - yes to increased responsibility in one place means that you have less time or energy for something else (including sleep!) Having foregone many of the usual commitments and events this year, you have an opportunity to decide what to pick back up and what to leave out. What did you not miss? What kinds of interactions drain you? Which ones fill you up? What matters enough that you are willing to spend energy fighting for it?
This has been a very hard year. Whether or not you are aware of it, you have expended considerable energy just keeping the wheels on all these months. You might be burned out and in need of recuperation. You might just need a few days off to refocus. If nothing else, the pandemic offers an opportunity to look at your life with fresh eyes. You would be wise to put some energy into doing so.
This Article was previously published on LinkedIn on September 9, 2020: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/where-you-spend-your-energy-christine-kilby/