You Can Learn a Lot of Things from the Actors

(5 minute read)

TL;DR: When someone at work asks for additional support, by giving them what is requested, we give them the tacit validation that they know what they need and their judgment is valued. When we instil value in others, they receive it as empowerment, which they apply to their work. Even a “no” can be validating if a person feels understood.

While we may not always think of acting as a job, it does require time, skill, and hard work. At the Emmy Awards on September 22, 2019, Michelle Williams offered a rare insight into the effort actors expend to perfect their performances. Accepting the Emmy Award for her role in Fosse/Verdon, Williams thanked her “bosses” for believing her when she said she needed more dancing lessons, more singing lessons, and a different set of false teeth (!) Williams described these things as costly, but necessary for her to do her job. Judging by the Emmy win, she was right.

What really moved me, however, was the connection Williams drew between the “yes” to her requests and the feeling of empowerment she experienced. In a powerful moment in her acceptance speech, Williams explained how we value people when we trust them to understand their own needs. When so valued, a person can connect with their own inherent value, and put that value into their work. It is a strikingly simple concept: believe that a person knows how to do their job - even if what they think differs from your own views - and watch them flourish.

Ideally, you can say “yes” to most requests. However, there may be times when saying “yes” is more difficult, or change requires buy-in from many others. In such circumstances, there is still an opportunity to value someone by listening to, and trying to understand the interests behind, the request.

I delivered a workshop for a group of professionals about how to use the principles of negotiation to strengthen work relationships and build resilience. One take-away for the group was that even if a request is difficult to meet, or is outside your control, listening and understanding someone’s point of view can be helpful.

Sometimes a person may only be able to express frustration about the status quo and demand a change. To get beyond the frustration to what is truly at issue, leaders must practice active listening, asking questions, paraphrasing, and most importantly, listening with the aim of understanding rather than refuting. Even if you cannot supply the requested item, demonstrating understanding may go a long way to building trust and renewing engagement. Perhaps equally importantly, you can learn what the person does NOT need - more donuts in the break room might not be the right salvo for low office morale if people are trying to cut back on sugar.

The next time someone complains about a problem at work, or asks for something to change, think about whether the validation of a “yes” is possible to give. If it does not seem possible to give a full “yes”, you may find that through listening and asking questions, you can uncover other options. Most importantly, by taking the time to hear more about the request, you will convey to the person asking that they are a valued member of the team.

On Endings

(5 minutes reading time)

June may only be a halfway point in our calendar, but it is often a time for endings. For some, June marks the end of the school year, or the conclusion of a long career. In our family, we said goodbye to two different schools today as my sons move on to new schools next year. It is bittersweet to make a change and to leave behind the familiar for an uncharted path. Yet there is value in finishing well, and, as with a good joke, timing is important to achieving a strong ending.

It is never easy to let go of the familiar to embrace an uncertain future. When I was considering a shift from law into mediation, I spent many months considering my next move, shying away from the difficult decision to say goodbye to my firm and colleagues, who were more like family than coworkers. However, the change has given me an opportunity to pursue a new direction in my career and to grow my skills in conflict resolution and workplace dynamics.

There is no “right” time to leave. As with a great performance or a thrilling book, sometimes we are not ready for the end. We believe that the right time to say goodbye is when we are emotionally ready. In fact, the right time can often be before you are emotionally settled on the decision to make a change. It is scary and difficult, but often the “right” time feels premature. Waiting for everything to line up perfectly before making a move can paralyze us and prevent any change from occurring at all. Worse, waiting too long can take the decision-making power out of our hands and place it in someone else’s.

In mediation, it can feel unsatisfactory to choose a settlement and let go of our arguments, or the prospect of vindication in court. Ending a lawsuit before we are completely ready to do so can be a good decision for many reasons, but it is still difficult. Settlement often feels like a second rate outcome because we are not always emotionally ready to let the case (or the person on the other side) go. However, if we operate on the principle that a good ending always comes too soon, we learn to accept the discomfort that comes with letting go before we are completely ready. By doing so, we keep control over the outcome in our own hands, rather than waiting for a third party to dictate the ending for us.

Good endings always come with some struggle. They are just as much the product of toil and hard work as any good beginning. And every ending is also a beginning - a new school, a new career, a new outlook. Change is hard and accepting the end of something is always painful. Yet we do well to choose for ourselves the how, the when, and the why of an ending, if we are to look back with satisfaction on the turns we have taken.

But I'm Right!

I love comedy. In another life, I might have pursued a career as a stand-up comedian. In this life, I simply enjoy the artistry of talented comedians like Mike Birbiglia. In his 2013 album “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend”, Birbiglia starts by telling the audience that his strong belief that he is right often creates tension when he is arguing with other people. The tension, he says, stems from the fact that he is right. While Birbiglia’s line produces a laugh, it also speaks great truth about how we feel about our position in a conflict. Rarely do we embrace, or even consider, the idea that another person’s point of view may be justified, or that the person holding a different belief may be as thoughtful as we are.

Take the example of a recent wrongful dismissal mediation where the employer held fast to its position that it had acted in the best interests of the company. After three hours, the mediator asked the employer representative how he would have felt if his daughter had been terminated while she was on maternity leave. The employer representative, who (as the mediator knew), had recently become a grandfather, quickly changed his position and resolved the matter at a respectful level of settlement.   

The mediation example demonstrates how easy it is to artificially distance ourselves from those with whom we disagree. We are quick to vilify or attack them for holding their particular view. Having “othered” the person so completely, we free ourselves from any responsibility to think of them as a fellow human being. The result is that we decide, prematurely, not to engage with someone on the basis of a difference in opinion. We thus lose the opportunity to expand our own knowledge by learning from those who have different - and valid - experiences and perspectives.

Moreover, when we close our minds to others’ perspectives, we do so to the potential detriment of our own arguments. There may be some truth in another person’s attacks on our reasoning. If we can move away from the visceral reaction of jumping to defend ourselves, we may learn something about our point of view, its frailties, and the potential for a shift in thinking that might better reflect our beliefs. At a minimum, we can identify and improve weaknesses in our position, just as we can improve our contributions to the workplace by learning from, rather than disagreeing with, a negative performance assessment.

I remember being in court early in my litigation career and receiving what seemed like a harsh rebuke from the judge. In the moment, I chose to listen carefully to what she was saying and receive it as helpful career guidance dressed up as criticism - a sheep in wolf’s clothing. I modified my approach to correct my mistake, and felt grateful for the intervention by a person who could just as easily have left me to flounder. Had I instead taken umbrage at her comments, or worse, become defensive, I would have missed an opportunity to learn and improve.

It is all too easy to reside in echo chambers where everyone agrees with our point of view. However, if we wish to grow in our thinking, and improve our reasoning, we must make room for other perspectives. By intentionally engaging with points of view that we regard as wrongheaded, we expand our understanding of those positions and the ways in which our own arguments may be lacking. An argument developed in a vacuum is bound to lose. Put differently, if you know you are right, you probably are not.

In the coming weeks, watch this space for articles I think are interesting, viewpoints I think are worth sharing, and maybe the odd joke or two. 

I look forward to your comments and suggestions, with the request that all comments use respectful language. I reserve the sole discretion to remove any comments or posts which do not adhere to this standard.